As the Dr spoke, all I heard was that it was my fault. I felt ashamed. He told me my lifestyle was the cause. I was the reason we couldn’t have a baby. What was I doing wrong?
I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovaries (PCOS) at 20 after discovering cysts on my ovaries. I’ve had issues over the years but thankfully nothing too sinister. My lack of cycle (period) I assumed to be a side effect of the contraceptive injection, Depo-Provera which I had been using for 10+ years. When we decided to start trying for a family, I stopped the injections and waited for my cycle to return. I was advised that it could take up to 12 months after the last injection but it never arrived. To be honest I didn’t really know how conception worked. I didn’t know about the signs of ovulation. I didn’t know there was a tiny window (3-5days) during your cycle that you could conceive. I thought it would be easy. It appeared that people were ‘falling’ pregnant all around me. But the chances of conceiving in any given cycle is actually very low. I’ve learnt that pregnancy is undoubtedly one of life’s beautiful miracles. After 18 months of waiting and trying we met with the Fertility clinic.
After some simple routine tests for both of us I was diagnosed with Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (HA). It is the technical name for when the hypothalamus stops sending “go ahead and reproduce” signals to the pituitary gland. There’s a disconnect somewhere! This results in absent menstrual cycles, along with other symptoms such as failure to ovulate, troubled sleeping, depression, anxiety, low libido, low energy and always feeling cold.
The crux of it is I have a hormonal imbalance. Medication can help to a degree but there’s an underlying problem that it won’t solve. That is why other types of fertility treatment don’t work for me. My hormone levels are hard to control and they can’t provide my body what it needs to conceive. I’ve researched both of my conditions and a common factor is diet and gut problems. This encouraged me to meet with a Dietician for food allergen tests as mentioned in a previous post. Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) has troubled me for as long as I can remember. I do wonder how detrimental my early 20’s were to my health. For a few years I followed a scarily low calorie diet with very little carbohydrates. I couldn’t digest them so I avoided them like the plague. I was very thin and despite exercising alot I was probably very unhealthy. I didn’t know any better. The last few years my IBS has been at it’s worst. I believe this to be because of the stress of treatment, moving countries, moving house… lots of moving!
The Dr’s advice for HA was – “eat more and exercise less”
I looked at my life and panicked. My body fat percentage was low, but I never felt it was too low. Eating more sounds like a ‘fun’ prescription to many I’m sure. Who doesn’t want to eat more? But gaining fat as a Personal Trainer scared me. I had worked hard to get to the condition I was at. Add to this less exercise and I was having palpitations. Exercise is my life, it’s what I thrive on, it’s my medication. I looked at my regime and knew I could reduce the intensity and frequency of my training. I felt gutted that what I was doing was apparently wrong and damaging. But I focused on the bigger picture and made the changes as advised.
I follow progressive strength based programs to stop me from going hell for leather in sessions. I still push myself to a degree as I wouldn’t be happy if I wasn’t hitting goals. It isn’t about aesthetics anymore. I want to feel good and strong in body and mind. I am approximately 10lbs heavier than I was when we first started treatment. I don’t measure my body fat %. I don’t care. The less strenuous activities such as running or practicing slower paced yin and restorative yoga is a welcomed break from the gym. It enables me to focus on breathing, stretching and calming the mind. I watch my calorie intake to make sure I’m eating plenty for my activity but I am very aware of not becoming obsessive or overly restrictive with my diet. Initially I felt like my diagnosis sent me in a downward spiral. I over-analysed everything – food, drink, exercise, sleep. It was soul-destroying.
I gently remind myself that I’m not to blame for this. I live day to day as I know how. Knowledge is power and I feel I’ve learned so much about my body since we started this. I don’t know when doing everything at 100mph became a habit. Embracing peace and quiet has been nothing but good for me. I cook, bake, enjoy a glass of wine with a trashy book and more quality time with family and friends. I have bubbly aromatic baths which are definitely more enjoyable with a gin! I also treat my body to a relaxing massage every other week. Despite doing all of the above I still have no cycle. I try not to let this deflate me despite always feeling like I am waiting for something. I have read countless stories of women in the same shoes who haven’t successfully regulated their cycle. I take peace from that.
I have come to the realisation that it’s not in my power to reverse my diagnosis. The exact cause of my infertility as I see it is unknown. Maybe it’s not in my destiny to have a baby. I’m not being negative, I’m being realistic. Please don’t tell me not to give up because I won’t allow infertility to define me. I have the most wonderful husband, a loving family and a beautiful circle of close friends who all support me 100%. This may be what I choose to be my version of family. My diagnosis won’t dictate how I live my life anymore.